By Julia Gordon
Every time I read a play by Shakespeare, someone seems obliged to make some sort of comment. Generally, these range from asking if the play is boring, to generally questioning why I’m choosing to read something school-adjacent in my free time. However, I think everyone is giving the Bard of Avon a bad reputation. To prove Shakespeare’s plays are much more exciting than many would assume, here’s my list of his 10 best burns, insults, and comebacks.
Warning: Victims of these insults may never recover. Only to be used on the worst of enemies.
1.
“What, you egg! Stabs him.”
– Macbeth, Act 4, Scene 2
Starting off with a classic. For reference, while this is already a bit of an insane thing to call someone on a surface level, it also implies that the person insulted is so young that they have not become anything, along with being unremarkable and dull, like the surface of an egg.
2.
“Methink’st thou art a general offense and every man should beat thee”
– All’s Well That Ends Well, Act 2, Scene 3
While the Golden Falcon certainly does not endorse physical violence, telling someone that they’re a general offense is pretty fantastic.
3.
‘Get gone, you dwarf, you minimus of hind’ring knotgrass made, you bead, you acorn”
– A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act 3, Scene 2
Just in case you’re running out of things to say to your short friends…
4.
“More of your conversation would infect my brain.”
– Coriolanus, Act 2, Scene 1
Let’s be real; we all know someone this would apply to.
5.
” “I see, lady, the gentleman is not in your books.”
– Much Ado About Nothing, Act 1, Scene 1
“No, an he were, I would burn my study.” “
Starting off the play with a bang, to say the least. If you enjoy this list, I would recommend reading Much Ado About Nothing, just for the banter between Beatrice and Benedick.
6.
“Villain, I have done thy mother.”
– Titus Andronicus, Act 4, Scene 2
The original “Your mom” joke. You can almost hear the middle schoolers cheering in the background.
7.
“Thou art unfit for any place but hell.”
– Richard III, Act 1, Scene 2
Because telling someone to go to hell nowadays is so gauche.
8.
“Thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows.”
– Troilus and Cressida, Act 2, Scene 1
I know the bit about the elbows is the emphasis here, but calling someone “sodden-witted” is pretty brutal too.
9.
“Thou whoreson zed, thou unnecessary letter!”
– King Lear, Act 2, Scene 2
Although this insult is a bit of its time, it definitely still works.
10.
“Like the toad; ugly and venomous.”
– As You Like It, Act 2, Scene 1
What a way to end this list. Doesn’t think remind you of someone’s ex?
In short, Shakespeare truly had a way with words, especially when it came to using those words against people! While I’m not allowed to endorse beating people, bullying, or generally being mean to others, if some circumstance were to arrive where one would need a killer insult, I highly recommend these. Nothing could be worse than being destroyed with the words of a man who died over 400 years ago.