By: Mateusz Kaminski

We’re officially at the halfway point of the semester. Congrats, you’ve (hopefully) managed to keep your mediocre average unscathed up till this point (shout-out to Quizlet).

However, the academic gods aren’t going to let you coast by that easily.

It’s time for the dreaded tidal wave of tests and projects incoming after midterms, and students everywhere are arriving at the sudden realization that they’re hysterically underprepared.

Stress is high and sleep is practically nonexistent for all the slackers attempting to cram three chapters of Grade 12 Biology into one night.

Here is a story for the unprepared as you head into the eye of the storm.



Thump, thump, thump.

An agitated 17-year-old student named Steve repeatedly tapped the fingers of his left hand on the surface of the library table he shared with several classmates, each time quicker than before.

The group was preparing to study for various tests and projects they had the next day–for the first time. The general consensus at the table was that they were all “completely screwed.”

7 hours into aggressively highlighting random passages in his textbook, and the alternating multi-colored lines remind him of Tekashi69’s hair.

Hours later, Steve re-reads his highlighted text, realizes that marking the phrase “For most microbes” in chapter 3 was unnecessary.

1 AM: To have any chance at passing, Steve questions what the best fuel is to get his head off the desk.

The key to getting through this part is finding a stimulant that works best for you and ride it out. Is coffee your game? Perhaps energy drinks are more your hat. Whichever one of the above items makes you want to run through a wall while simultaneously reorganizing the whole layout of your room while also sending your ex-girlfriend a seven-page love letter, ride with it. That is the juice you need to get through the finish line.

Just, whatever you do, DO NOT mix ALL of them together. For legal reasons, I have to say this just so when you O.D. from snorting pre-workout supplements, my hands and conscience are clean. We don’t need any hearts bursting out of chests just so you don’t have to retake Grade 12 Biology. It’s not worth it.

Cheers lads!


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